Episode 1: Looking for the American Dream

It's not just about the weight I've lost; it's about everything I've gained. My awareness, confidence, connections, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, humanity, and awareness of my divinity. Knowledge and wisdom to pass down. It's not about the heavy body weight but the heavy spirit, and working out the spiritual allows a lightness in our minds that energizes our physical bodies.

I offer a glimpse of the possibilities of human resilience by sharing my story authentically. You will witness nearly twenty years of documented videos! I have over thirty-three years of lived experience, twenty years using mental health services, and over thirteen years learning, advocating, educating, and supporting diverse individuals through their personal and professional development. As a facilitator of change, I empathize with the challenges of reflecting on life experiences, making everyday changes, focusing on spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, and realizing passion that turns into purpose. What weighed me down wasn't the visible heavy body weight, which is like the top of the iceberg; it was the heavy spirit beneath it all, like the bottom of the iceberg.

You may have seen those before and after pictures of people losing weight and gaining their fifteen minutes of fame. That is what encouraged me to start documenting myself. If you're anything like me, you've tried everything and turned over every rock, looking for the consistency and discipline necessary to achieve that kind of success. That was my question—no one was showing me how, but I knew I would succeed and wanted to show how I accomplished my goal.

I appreciate that you joined me on this journey. You'll learn the benefits and power of looking within, answering the hard questions, and gaining awareness of how everyday little things bring insight, consistency, and discipline needed to be successful. However, we need support that sees us as whole, not broken—support that helps to bring the light out from within us. That is what true teaching is. Understand that it's more than a physical human experience; it's a soul’s journey, and you have the power to navigate your life circumstances!

Episode One

I chose the videos in episode one because they represent what most of my almost twenty years of therapy and medication revolved around: my kids, eating, the American dream, and writing a book. I now understand that writing a book was about not wanting to live in secrecy about what happened to me. I didn't have the words back then, but now I know that the veil of shame disconnected me from my spiritual journey to live in the present moment and my physical journey to feel joy from within and practice the self-care needed to live fully. Episode one shares the things I was stuck on.

I had the idea to document myself to share my weight loss journey and experiences at the time. I asked my friend Luther Blackwell, Jr. to film me, and he agreed. During one of the tapings, I was lying on the couch trying to get back to sleep because I wanted him to film my daily life, which was mostly sleeping and eating. After some time, he asked me to act out some phone scenarios. He told me he saw me having a one-woman show. I was nowhere near confident enough for that and told him the thought gave me an adverse reaction. However, the scenarios I acted out were real situations happening in my life.

Revisiting the tapes from 2007, I can now say where I am. Progress has been made regarding eating, getting up, my daughter (discussed in the video), my connections and disconnections to people, and learning that respect is the minimum.

Lessons Learned About Letting Go Guilt Around Eating

1. Chasing divinity, pushing away the human experience.

2. Shame, binging, and purging due to molestation in my childhood.

3. Not having enough food as a child and being out of control when able to buy food.

4. Searching for control—binging and purging, checking blood sugar after taking pills, waiting too long to eat, then eating to feel less guilty.

5. Not addressing the spiritual heaviness allows the physical heaviness to overwhelm both the body and mind.

6. I do not use the language of bulimia to describe negative eating habits, I feel it takes away or limits my awareness to make choices when I think of something being wrong with me instead of looking at what happened to me. I realized that my silence and failure to speak up was like suffocating myself, as I stuffed down the pain—an action aimed at avoiding the emotional and spiritual pain of what happened to me.

Where I Am Now

1. I understand Rachel Ray now. I enjoy a good meal and have favorite dishes and restaurants.

2. I've lost 130 pounds out of the 257 pounds I wanted to lose. I'm cutting out fatty foods, salt, and sugar. I'm reversing diabetes, accepting help with using Ozempic to manage it, getting off of diabetic pills that were affecting my heart rate, and dropping my blood sugar.

3. I received a diagnosis of uterine cancer, had my uterus removed, and was told it was because of fatty tissues.

4. Eating mostly vegetables allows me to eat large, satisfying meals.

Guilt About Not Providing a Better Life for My Children

1. Having my daughter when I was a teenager, and not having faced the molestation from my childhood, allowed my mind to worry about what people thought of me, bringing much shame upon me because I lived with one boy and was pregnant by another. Planning to work and then buying a car in my daughter’s name due to my bad credit, and using the kids' social security cards due to my lack of financial understanding, were just ways I continually defeated myself. Yes, I kept trying and wouldn't give up, but I was reinventing the wheel, and no one would share the blueprint with me. The therapy and mental health services I sought labeled me and prescribed drugs, leaving me feeling helpless. However, I must readjust my thoughts and recognize that it didn't leave me hopeless. The fact that I kept coming up with different ideas to survive shows I wasn't giving up, even though it may have looked chaotic to someone else.

2. I overcompensated not understanding what my daughter was going through. I focused on my survival, dumping my burdens on her. I learned to trust myself, and in turn, trust my children. Every person has a soul's journey.

3. I learned to trust the souls that are in the roles of my children, recognizing they have their own stories. I focus on living and embracing my human experience fully, living it with others, not through them.

4. If I had known how to be happy back then like I practice now, I would have had joy for my daughter having a car, job, and apartment. Instead, I was in pain from desire, need, lack, comparison, and competition. Now, I watch my thoughts, see envy, and jealousy, and let them go. I work through pain to stay connected to loved ones.

5. It's hard work, but soul work, to stay in the present moment and let go of anything that disturbs my peace. I work on forgiving, letting go, shaking off, and speaking up. Sometimes, I need space to adjust, but the quicker I forgive and let go, the quicker I return to peace, joy, and connection.

What is Having a Drawer About?

1. Putting things out of sight, hiding the mess rather than cleaning it. I needed to learn to live with the mess, not hide it. This makes sense with practicing shame resilience.